Diamond Cuts Diamond!

Diamond is a hard element and only a diamond can cut a diamond. Can we say the same in the context of anger? Can anger defeat anger?

Let’s consider a few cases.

Case 1. 30 year old son

A 30- year old son is discussing health insurance policy for his parents with his father. There is a difference of opinion and the father refuses to accept his idea with a reference to his previous poor decision. “ Last time also it went wrong when we did your way”. It pinches him and this becomes a trigger to his angry outbursts. He starts shouting back at his father, blaming him for his failures in his career. Father gives it back in a raised voice that what he should have and shouldn’t have done. He further ridicules him for his immature behavior. The heated arguments continue until the son breaks the teacup banging it on the wall.

Case 2. 5 year old boy

A 5-year-old has been glued to his tablet. His mother asks him to come for lunch. He shows reluctance. He is threatened and given warning multiple times. He reluctantly stops playing and comes to find out that the food prepared is not his favorite. He starts throwing tantrums. Shouting back and screaming. Refusing to eat. Splashing the food around. Speaking badly. The mother gets infuriated. She starts scolding him harshly for misbehaving and threatening again of confiscating his tablet. Eventually, she slaps him hard to stop him from whining.

Case 3. Middle aged working wife

The wife is cooking in a hurry in the morning as she has to rush to reach the office on time. Her husband asks her if she had given medicine to his mother. She snorts back and says she doesn’t remember. The husband then comments on the food saying, salt is less and that he needs a pickle. The wife gets infuriated. She starts screaming and telling him that he never appreciates her cooking. He never helps but only has complaints. The husband retorts back by complaining that she never took care of his mother well. The heated arguments continue with accusations on each other, recalling past incidents. Finally, she picks up a plate and breaks it in on her head.

After reading these cases, a prompt response is that when one person is getting angry, the other one should remain calm. Absolutely right! But HOW is the question? If you are in that person’s place, how would you remain peaceful? Seeing someone flaring up unreasonably like fire in just a moment over an apparently trivial matter, how can one keep cool?

Let us understand the anger.

The anger is not a primary emotion but a manifestation of some other emotions. Beneath anger lies deeper and more vulnerable feelings. It could be pain, hurt, fear, frustration, or sadness. Angry people often feel that they are not being heard enough, they are not taken seriously or not being appreciated well for their efforts. They feel disappointed and ignored. They feel powerless. And, therefore, they create a protective shield around them through anger to feel in control.

Understanding anger is vital for being able to stay calm in situations like that. A person is not majorly angry over the apparent issues, like the food, the insurance policy, or the medicine. Once you see deeper emotions, you are able to develop compassion, which is the foundation of positive energy.

How to handle the situation

1.         Calmness is the best antidote to anger. Now, what can hold us from being calm? The natural question is, why should I give in? I might be taken for granted then. I would be mistaken as submitting myself. Being calm doesn’t mean you buy the bait or agree with them. It also doesn’t imply that you freeze up. You must stay confident and honest speaking assertively and respectfully.

2.         Reflect upon their behavior and verbalize what you see. For example, say: “Your tone is sarcastic.” “You are too loud,” “You are abusing.” “You are using the wrong words.” “You are bringing irrelevant topics to the discussion.” Reflection will help them stay in the present while observe and check their behavior.

3.         Avoid logic or reasoning as it wouldn’t work, with children as well as adults. Don’t tell what is or who is wrong and right. It may sound ironic, but avoid asking them to stay calm. If they are challenged further, while angry, it increases their feeling of being out of control. Therefore, also stay away from the blame game.

4.         Try to validate their feelings. Validation means considering another person’s perspective, not necessarily agreeing though. It is genuinely making an attempt to understand them by listening without judging. When you listen actively to the angry person, you indeed go beneath the surface and try to understand the root cause. You can say, “I see you are hurt and frustrated”, “I know you have suffered a lot”.

5.         Take time out. If we stay in anger for a long time engaging each other, it will not wither away.  Moreover, it will be detrimental. A good strategy is to take a time out. “Let’s take a break from this”, “I am not able to talk right now, give me some time to restore myself”, Let’s take time out until I am calmer”. Keep in mind that no decision should be taken in anger. When things are cool the decisions would be reasonable.

What could be the response?

So instead of mother threatening further punishment, could say, “I see you do not like the food today, can we talk about the options for dinner. ”; The husband could say, “I see you have too much on the plate to do in the morning” and offer to give medicine to the mother himself.  Father could say, “I know the last few years have been tough for you in the office ”.

There are many other possibilities on how a person can respond to another person’s anger depending on the situation. I have a 6 years old son who throws tantrums the moment he is denied of something. When he is displaying anger, I do not argue or extend the logic to him. I simply go and hug him tight without letting him hit me back in his anger.  His anger vanishes in minutes, and he is in a condition to talk.

It is not easy for a husband to do with a violent wife and vice versa, or when the relationship has a long-strained history. However, small steps towards such a strategy can make improvement in the long run. The angry moment would be saved from becoming a bad memory. And by saving many such moments, one can save relationships and health, both physical and mental.

Anger may appear as hard as a diamond, but in fact, it is like a fire. And fire can never be extinguished by fire, but only by water