Death Anxiety: When I encountered the fear of inevitable

‘Death Anxiety’ or ‘Fear of Death’ is not talked about so commonly. This blog is about my personal experience on the same. I hope it is insightful to people in overcoming such anxiety or fears.

 

Last year during January, we met a friend over lunch visiting us from abroad. Soon after initial greetings, in the process of beginning the conversation and asking about each other, he asked: “how are your parents?”  Parents? I was tickled to hear that. I mean, we have school going children, mid-life careers in hand, old memories to share, current national-international topics to discuss and he is beginning with ‘parents’. In his eyes, I could see a sense of fear- the fear of inevitable. He wasn’t scared, but very well cognizant of the fact that we are growing old and our parents getting older.

What is Death Anxiety?

We are all scared of death to some extent, whether of our own cessation or of someone we love. The thought of death is certainly not a pleasant one. Anxiety about death could be triggered by some incident or generally be there. It is natural that one would be apprehensive about death or death-related situations at some point of time in life. However, the death anxiety becomes pathological when it reaches the extreme levels disrupting the normal lifestyle of the individual.

Deaths in the family that affected me

My earliest memory of death in the family has been of my grandfather. I was 8 years old. I remember myself crying profusely and uncontrollably. Primarily, because of the atmosphere of grief prevailing that I had seen for the first time in our family. I had witnessed all the final rituals.

During my college days, one bad morning I woke up with the shocking news of my grandmother’s demise. How could such a lively person just not be there anymore now? I was stoned for a few days with the news until some orbituary prayer broke me into tears. A few years later, my uncle passed away at the age of 44. More than being sad, I was angry at him as if he was responsible for it.

One of my bhuas died while I was abroad, far from my family. I did not know what to do, how to feel. Despite not having too many memories with her, I felt an emptiness within me. I was worried, for how my dad must be feeling on the demise of his younger sister.

With every such news from family, friends or just known, my mind was assimilating and comprehending the concept of death. I also learned how this ‘D’ word was a kind of taboo. It is not easily talked about. It comes automatically with sadness and fear to everyone.

February, last year my maternal uncle passed away. We had met just a week ago when he looked absolutely fine. He wasn’t too old nor too sick. Somehow, we related his death to his recent symptoms that he had come up with. All the family members gathered for the last rituals and mourning.

When I actually encountered it myself

It was early evening, two days after the death of my uncle, last year. I was talking on the phone. I remember talking little aggressively and anxiously on some routine thing. A couple of hours later I started feeling heavy on my chest. I felt shortness of breath and soon felt dizzy. I told my maid to take care of my children as I was not feeling good and went to bed. I could feel the adrenaline soaring. I was highly anxious. I feared losing myself. The dizziness was gradually increasing. I felt little blankness as if blood is not reaching my brain. I was lying with legs raised to a little height.

I called to inform my husband, my parents, and my in-laws. I felt getting unconscious, therefore, I kept my eyes closed and tried breathing continuously hoping someone comes soon. My maid tried to help me with lemon juice, water, coffee etc. I was panicking badly. I did not like my being sick or getting in such a helpless situation. I realized that I did not want to die. I have a beautiful life. My anxiety level was increasing. My heart was pounding fast. I was trembling. I felt I am fainting. I held my bed and pillows tight. Tears were rolling down my closed eyes. I desperately wanted to be around my family. I got worried about my children.

Soon my family reached me. I felt better. It was not easy to describe what I was going through. It appeared normal weakness or low blood pressure. I was asked if I felt the need to go to a hospital. I needed to. I was still too giddy and very nervous. I was not sure if my heart and brain were functioning okay and my soul will remain in my body. However, with my mom and brother around, a sudden automatic thought flashed in my mind, “It has passed!”. As soon as I saw my husband, there was another thought, “I will survive!”.

I was taken to the hospital. By this time my anxiety cycle was slowing down. We still decided to go through the basic examinations. Emergency doctors on duty examined my body only to find that my pulse rate was normal, blood pressure was normal, blood sugar was normal, and the ECG was ok. My physical body was totally okay! ?Knowing this, I felt better emotionally too.

Was that an Anxiety Attack?

Who would understand it more than a psychologist!!

In retrospect, I could make sense of it. Getting near the middle age strata, I was becoming more health anxious. I was worrying about unidentified health issues within me. Anxiety was building up in me unconsciously for last one year. I have been worrying about not being able to be as functional and as capable as I grow old. A headache at any time or a chest pain was being thought as a possible symptom of some big disease. The anxiety was creeping deep inside me slowly and unwillingly. However, with this episode and clarification about every parameter with the physical body, a big relief came to my mind.

Did it end there?

Despite all cleared up in my mind, it did not end there. I started having involuntary thoughts of accidents and death. Anything related to death was making me uncomfortable. For instance, a news in the newspaper, some poster of a horror movie, or even such a mention in the cartoons. I feared even thinking or talking about it as if that will make it happen to me. I generally felt scared and fearful. I was leading a normal life outside, doing everything as before. But inside, this beast of fear was eating me up.

With every action, extreme thoughts would spring up in my mind. I get into the elevator- and a bad thought, I start my car- a bad thought, I turn on the road- and a bad thought. My kids playing on the playground- I will worry hell, my husband got late- I worry hell, my dad did not pick up my phone and I worry hell!! Evenings were bad. Sunset was depressing. I was not happy at all. Nights were worse. Darkness would bring more disturbing thoughts. I had supporting people around me but sharing what I was experiencing was not coming in easy.

Why are the deaths grief filled?

Well, obviously when your dear one is no more with you, it is sad and painful. People living without the dear ones the deceased are left with a void in their life. Their life is disturbed and changed forever. Untimely deaths are shocking and shaking. The uncalled for unnatural episodes inculcate a fear within us. It also becomes a reminder to all of us, the realization of mortality of human beings.

Why it makes us fearful?

We are worried about how it will happen? When? Where? How? We are fearful of possible suffering involved, the uncertainty of timing. People wonder and worry for the people left behind and the worldly responsibilities that we carry. One feels insecure imagining people whom they are dependent upon will be gone forever.

How did I deal with it?

It was not easy to talk about it to just anyone. “You are a shrink yourself!” was the natural response. However, I did not carry that burden. I am a human being first. I accepted the condition I was in. Just by having helped many a people in similar context, doesn’t make myself impervious to the anxiety syndrome.

Working with Cognitions

I was hopeful; I will get out of it. I knew my fears were not rational.  I practiced directing myself away from these involuntary thoughts. Every time one bad thought would pop up in my mind, I would second it with a positive thought. I reminded myself, “Life is beautiful” like a mantra. I came across a few quotes that stayed with me:

Whenever I would get distressed at the thought of losing some dear one, I tried to comfort myself with this thought:

Meeting with my Dad

I planned a meeting with my dad outside the home. He has been the most positive influence on me. I have always sought answers and guidance from him to such issues in life. This time the question was difficult to articulate. He sensed it effortlessly during my general talks with him and could gauge what I was looking for. He broke the ice and shared his similar fears that he had had. Talking openly about it was very comforting then.

Music routine

I got to join vocal classes. I have always liked singing and listening to music of all kind. But joining a scheduled class ensured that I am with the music for at least one hour a day. This music treatment helped me putting my mind into a totally different track. The headaches which I used to call a migraine started vanishing. Music is soothing, magical and blissful.

Prayers and Mantra Chanting

I started few prayers and religiously chanted mantras that I believed in. It brought peace to heart and mind. Along with the musical effect of mantras, it also served as a means of diverting the mind from negative imagination to positive, religious and powerful thoughts. It was quite reassuring and helped me a lot in restoring my energy levels.

What was in me that was helpful:

• My self-esteem and acceptance of the situation.
• My constant mental and physical efforts
• Gratitude towards God and faith in the Almighty.
• Believing “Life is beautiful!”

My 9 yr old daughter keeps asking about life and death questions in an innocent and curious way. To her, I needed to reply apathetically. Which at times helped me to untaboo the D word myself.

Relapses

Yes, once in a while that happens. For instance, the death of Sridevi was shocking to everyone and it sank me a bit too. Thankfully, we do not have any TV channels to flush our minds with an unnecessary scrutiny of her death and repeated telecasts of mourning. We just watched the memorable songs and scenes of her movies and remembered her fondly by cherishing her work.

Biggest Learning

Such thoughts become a good reminder to live life to the fullest and enjoy what is in our hands- the present moment! Last December, I wrote a poem for my father on his birthday, a part of which was about this fear. However, eventually, it says: “Each and every moment we have, life is to cherish, celebrate and be merry”